a fissure

i had a dream that a fissure began along the center of the top of my head (that's an awful lot of prepositions)....my forehead had risen considerably and two distinct shapes were now developing....my head was dividing in two...but only from above my eyebrow region...

in my dream, as i awoke my head felt...heavy...disproportionate...my neck seemed weak and failing under the weight of this massive structure that was now my head(s?)...

the looking glass revealed a loss of hair along the fissure...or perhaps...it was not so much a loss of hair (primarily because i had not noticed any loose hairs lying about my pillow)...it was as though the skin had stretched...taut...the bald, empty space inhabited by a few lonely hairs was the stretched space...

i panicked in my dream...my hands jerked over my hand, not realizing that nothing i could do would minimize the enormous growth...

it was in that moment...that i knew the tears would not come...i couldnt cry!...feeling my chest expand and retract with every heaving breath i held my head(s?) in my hands....my fingers grazing over the fissure....the displacement of my head (mind?)...oddly enough, my head resembled a distorted heart shape...the uniqueness of it....both bewildered and frightened me...

whence had this anomaly come from?...why must i be burdened with it?...was it a burden?...

in my dream, i never left home again...i contemplated my metamorphosis...was it a divine solution to an earthly dilemma?...

if so...what was the earthly dilemma?...why would i imagine it to be a divine solution?

maybe because if such a transformation were to occur it would be a good reason to call in sick to work..."yes, i'm calling in deformed today...and probably will be out indefinitely"

the cost of "unsuccess"

the word failure is so unappealing...i am now referring to (in this post at least) it as "unsuccess"...

i feel like an unsuccess...the sad part, is that it's not anything major...just little things, hardly a blip on a radar, but, neurotic spaz that i am, it sits on my heart like an dull pain, too broad to contemplate, to vague not to...oh yay...my melodramatic side is emerging...quick! beware the drama queen!

i decided long ago that i am entirely too silly and reflective (reflective silliness?) to involve myself with anyone...which is kind of nice, because then it means i dont have to whine and pine over someone entirely too full of his own idiosyncratic behaviours...hell, i have enough of my own to muddle through...

the problem with being an unsuccess lies in the fact that i dont really know what it feels like...i tend to do well in whatever i choose, just happens to be that way, not really a result of effort...so when i encounter unsuccess i pull the curtains back and let the show begin...

act 1 - panic and disbelief (me?? i am an unsuccess?? now what do i do?? what will become of me??)

act 2 - utter despair (the world as i know it is ended...i know that everyone can see the big scarlett letter of "unsuccess" my bosom...yes, i just said bosom...remember...with the dramatics come a flair for poetic bouts of silliness)

act 3 - defeat (i cant do anything right, so why try...oh! weak and foolish heart! to hope and believe!...bleh...lots of sighing and blank stares)

when's intermission?...what??...life doesnt come with an intermission??...I WANT MY MONEY BACK!!

limited freedom

there seems to be a misconception that we americans have this unlimited freedom...what they do not seem to realize is that those "freedoms" are "priveleges"...

...we are priveleged to be able to vote for our country's leaders...
...we are priveleged to be able to cover or uncover our heads (women)...
...we are priveleged to be able to challenge our judicial system through appeals court...
...we are priveleged to be able to make choices regarding our clothes, education (you can choose private or public), and nearly every other choice we take for granted...
...we are priveleged to be able to embrace the religion of our choice...
...we are priveleged to be able to complain about our government openly...
...we are priveleged to be able to access the internet with unrestricted access...
...we are priveleged to be able to rise above our beginnings...

these "inalienable" rights are only that because of the word "right"...we must never forget it isnt a right everywhere...to take something for granted means you will never even know when it is being taken away...

we must understand the balance in which our world sits...no man is an island...and neither is america....and americans forget...america is part of a greater america....central america, southamerica...we alienate ourselves from the rest of the world through the political maneuvers of our leaders and through our own lack of understanding of the big picture...

one day it could all disappear...

respect the priveleges granted...respect that they are granted to more than one person...respect that it gives you the things you value today...and the way you will live tomorrow...

mental starvation..?

i had a conversation recently with someone during which i realized...i am starving...for mental stimulation...when i mentioned this, i received a blank stare..."do you mean you need more books to read or something like that?"...no...that's not it exactly...true, reading stimulates but i felt at that moment i needed something more....i dont know precisely...

when i asked the question "do you have a need to be inspired?" i received the reply "for what?"...not what...just..inspired...to feel challenged and a need to challenge...

i have to feel inspired...it makes absolute sense to me, in my head when i consider it...but for some reason it isnt a thought that translates well to others...mentally, i feel starved...my focus is off...i am hoping that writing here i can find some of my focus (which typically fluctuates in a way i consider normal)....

i sit and consider the rivaling theories of humanity as a circle of continuity and repetition and of humanity as a "straight line" that has a beginning, middle, and end....perhaps it is a little of both...the circle moves, yet as it does so it shifts slightly....so that it would appear to be a series of circles that overlap just slightly, yet appear to move from circle to the next...but not in a straight line of movement...a little to the left or right, then forward...like a child stamping circles on a page randomly...the circles begin, over time, to develop a pattern...

linear circles...kinda, but not really...

inspired genius

a true act of "genius" could be defined as something entirely unique to the point of creating a new path, while using the stones from a path laid down and stumbled upon by countless others...
considering this definition, what makes a genius? sure, numbers of potentiality have worked for so long, why even consider any other way...but numbers, as true as they are, can be misused by the hands that feed them into calculators and computers...numbers tell only one part of any story...

throughout history, genuises have sprouted in the strangest places...from religious thinkers to political pundits to heads of states to criminal minds to one hit wonders...they exist solely for the reason that they laid down foundational stones for another to trod upon...engineers of their field, setting up the roadways for humanity, even if their design was to destroy humanity as we know it....

their visionary thinking and ability to present proof of their vision as a success lead them to be labeled as "genuises"...

so, why is it when these visionary thinkers encounter others in the "real world they find themselves tonge-tied or frustrated with the pace at which others work?...they cannot travel in the same paths as the world around them...they stumble or find it incredibly tedious...so much so, that they are forced to find their own path...and with none yet created...they design one that fits them and others like them...

the driving force behind genius, then, is need...which is the driving force behind nearly everything in life...such a simple answer...yet, sometimes the simplest answers are the most accurate and humble ones....