it's chilly outside today...gray clouds in the sky...absolutely "thinking" weather for me...so here i sit, looking out the window at the dreary weather outside and i wondered...what have i learned about myself and others this past year?...we always look to the future when we think about new years...so much so that we forget where we started and the road we've trod during those last several months...here is a list of my own musings...
"what i learned this past year"
1. i am infinitely more sexual than i ever realized
2. sexually curious people are some of the nicest, most open people i've encountered
3. i still havent figured out how to finish things...i try to do too many at one time...
4. blood is thinner than watered wine
5. i am getting older (fuck!)
6. freedom is being able to make certain choices without making excuses for them
7. even freedom has its price
8. i miss the rush of my immersion into music
9. the push for conformity is intensely strong in america
10. i continue to struggle with my desire to reisist conformity within the ring of conformity in which we live
11. if you wait long enough, things usually settle
i would love to hear any of your thoughts about your past year...some of you have emailed me things that relate to this topic...feel free to either email me your thoughts, make a post of your own, or reply in the comments...
cg
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Saturday, November 29, 2008
"oh, shit" moment
we were talking about music (musician, he play guitar) and he was playing samples of songs that his band covers...actually, they arent bad...it's all about having fun and enjoying the pulses and beats...anyhow, after a while we played a game where he just played a clip of a song and i had to guess the song...lots of classic rock and things like that...
at the end of this, he busts out with those three little words this curious girl cringes to hear...all i could think was "oh, shit"...then.."what the fuck?? are you serious??"...we met where he was playing one night and just talked off and on...we rarely see each other...and our conversations are completely non-sexual...so i asked him about it and he said, "oh, i say that everyone - sometimes i tell my buddies, 'hey, man, i love you, take it easy'"...
...
and this is why i dont find those words all that believable when i hear those words...people fling them about as if saying "hi" and "bye"...which is fine...but then when someone says "i feel this for you"...i cannot help but think "yeah, right, sure...you THINK you feel those things"...
that isnt to say that there arent a handful of people that, when they say them, i know that what they feel is true...and once or twice in my life i felt that flutter within when i heard those words...and once or twice in my life i felt a flutter within when i said those words...
anyhow, musician pipes up..."what, were you thinking 'oh, shit' when i said that?" and he laughed...yeah, pretty much!...
cg
at the end of this, he busts out with those three little words this curious girl cringes to hear...all i could think was "oh, shit"...then.."what the fuck?? are you serious??"...we met where he was playing one night and just talked off and on...we rarely see each other...and our conversations are completely non-sexual...so i asked him about it and he said, "oh, i say that everyone - sometimes i tell my buddies, 'hey, man, i love you, take it easy'"...
...
and this is why i dont find those words all that believable when i hear those words...people fling them about as if saying "hi" and "bye"...which is fine...but then when someone says "i feel this for you"...i cannot help but think "yeah, right, sure...you THINK you feel those things"...
that isnt to say that there arent a handful of people that, when they say them, i know that what they feel is true...and once or twice in my life i felt that flutter within when i heard those words...and once or twice in my life i felt a flutter within when i said those words...
anyhow, musician pipes up..."what, were you thinking 'oh, shit' when i said that?" and he laughed...yeah, pretty much!...
cg
Friday, November 28, 2008
warm apple pie
in honor of the ridiculously now-pointless "holiday" of thanksgiving (c'mon, people, it's just an excuse to fill the need to be excessive...there is NO true spirit of thanksgiving)...anyhow...one of the pies at this year's wine-fest (aka "thanksgiving") was apple pie...thus emerged the conversation...does it really feel like warm apple pie?...go watch the first "american pie" movie if you dont know what i am talking about...
the men visibly shivered...here are a few of their comments:
"shit, if i stuck my dick into something that felt that sticky, i'd be checking for the expiration date"
"there should not be lumpy apples in there, that's all i have to say"
"i dont think i ever want to have sex again - i am going to be thinking that there is a treasure trove of sliced gooey apples in there - and once i stick my dick in there, i dont think it will ever come out"
happy post-thanksgiving to all you fuckers out there!...er, i meant that in the nicest way possible!
cg
the men visibly shivered...here are a few of their comments:
"shit, if i stuck my dick into something that felt that sticky, i'd be checking for the expiration date"
"there should not be lumpy apples in there, that's all i have to say"
"i dont think i ever want to have sex again - i am going to be thinking that there is a treasure trove of sliced gooey apples in there - and once i stick my dick in there, i dont think it will ever come out"
happy post-thanksgiving to all you fuckers out there!...er, i meant that in the nicest way possible!
cg
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
stress, remembrance, and "sexy talk"
thanks to those of you who sent me emails...sometimes when i am away from here for an extended time i feel like you may wander off indefinitely...it's always nice to know that you care! :)
i have been very stressed off and on for the last year since my father passed away, although i did not realize it...the doctors seem to think that all that stress is giving me hormonal issues...up and down, in and out my hormones have raged...leaving me tearful, exhausted, and confused...for a woman with hormonal issues, this means problems with your monthly flow...not fun, let me tell you...
anyhow...this month was a tough one for me...it marked the one year anniversary of my father's death...and i had no idea how hard that was for me...at one point i was sitting on the floor, laughing about a particularly funny Thanksgiving, when i suddenly began to cry...i just miss him so much at times...the one man guaranteed to piss me off royally...but he understood me in ways that only one or two others can...i am my father's daughter...
earlier this week i was having an interesting conversation with my sister regarding what she calls "sexy talk"...evidently her current SO sucks big time in this department...she is trying to teach him, but he just laughs...he actually gets embarrassed...he isnt used to it...hard to imagine a 30 y/o man hesitant to try sex talk...reminds me of that mormon newlywed guy from "forgetting sarah marshall"...
is sex talk really that hard for men?...he couldnt even tell her "i want to fuck you"...he just erupted into fits of giggles...yes...giggles...he told her he always laughs when he talks about sex...he cant help it...
is this is a rarity or is this more common than this female realizes?...curious minds would like to know...
cg
i have been very stressed off and on for the last year since my father passed away, although i did not realize it...the doctors seem to think that all that stress is giving me hormonal issues...up and down, in and out my hormones have raged...leaving me tearful, exhausted, and confused...for a woman with hormonal issues, this means problems with your monthly flow...not fun, let me tell you...
anyhow...this month was a tough one for me...it marked the one year anniversary of my father's death...and i had no idea how hard that was for me...at one point i was sitting on the floor, laughing about a particularly funny Thanksgiving, when i suddenly began to cry...i just miss him so much at times...the one man guaranteed to piss me off royally...but he understood me in ways that only one or two others can...i am my father's daughter...
earlier this week i was having an interesting conversation with my sister regarding what she calls "sexy talk"...evidently her current SO sucks big time in this department...she is trying to teach him, but he just laughs...he actually gets embarrassed...he isnt used to it...hard to imagine a 30 y/o man hesitant to try sex talk...reminds me of that mormon newlywed guy from "forgetting sarah marshall"...
is sex talk really that hard for men?...he couldnt even tell her "i want to fuck you"...he just erupted into fits of giggles...yes...giggles...he told her he always laughs when he talks about sex...he cant help it...
is this is a rarity or is this more common than this female realizes?...curious minds would like to know...
cg
Thursday, November 6, 2008
back soon
just a quick note to let you know that i will be back within a day or two...been having some minor health issues that have taken up a lot of my time this week...hoping to have things back on schedule this weekend!...
cg
cg
Saturday, November 1, 2008
celebration of self
the last few days have been busy ones, what with the halloween festivities and all...i have a few projects that i have been working on (not to mention the texas tech/texas game tonight!)....i had full intentions of posting something different today...but something happened last night that made me think about people...and blogging...and human sexuality...
my sister and i went out to our neighborhood bar last night...a great band was playing and so many people were in costume...i enjoyed looking at the different costumes and thinking about the people there...we like to make up stories about the people we see when we are out...our own little form of entertainment, i suppose...
i had encountered a young woman that was clearly past inebriation and teetering on the edge of passing out while mid-step...her eyes were barely opened as she stumbled to the bathroom...she left the door to the stall open while she struggled with her costume to relieve herself...i asked her if she was okay...she mumbled, eyes closed, and nearly fell...
she was alone as far as i could see and i mentioned it to my sister...we watched her come out of the bathroom to see if she was with someone...we've done this and told their party that the person was clearly unable to function in the bathroom...she fell against a table where three young men were sitting...my sister recognized them, one in particular had hit on her several times, each time forgetting he had done it previously..."he's a good guy", the waittress would tell us, but we never put much store into what people say...
within minutes, they were kissing, and though he was clearly drunk, one of his friends was not...they continued to ply the girl with more alcohol...this girl who could not keep her eyes open and could not stand on her own two feet...
at some point, she was seated on her barstool and she fell backward and landed on her head...she was immobile...my sister rushed to her side while the men stared and stepped back...they were probably in shock and disbelief...i called out to our bartender and she flew around the counter to the girl and my sister...with a small crowd gathering around the girl, i stayed with our purses and watched the people...
someone called to another bartender to call 911...the guy who had been kissing her had his hands in his face, his friend rubbing his back...i read his lips..."it's not your fault...it's not your fault" as he shook his head...
although the EMTs arrived in less than five minutes, it seemed forever...several of the women around her continued dancing while they watched my sister and another person try to squeeze the girl's hand and keep her conscious...my sister's hands were covered in blood...thick and dark red...
she went behind the bar counter where they poured 151 and Purell all over her hands...
i was utterly disgusted and disappointed...why the hell did these guys continue to buy drinks for this girl after watching her nearly fall while standing several times...
i thought about it a lot today...and those words "it's not your fault" kept running through my head...fault is never a simple place...it is an encompassing arena of choices made and choices not made...
we come to the blogworld to celebrate ourselves and those we interact with...we celebrate the things we love about ourselves...but the things we dont?...well, that is never our fault...someone or something else is always to blame...we freeze before the roadblocks to our own success and happiness because it isnt the right time or because we "cant"...
here, we open up and learn something about ourselves...and we want to share it with others...
but what if we dont like what we find...is it our fault?...if i am disappointed in my sexual development, is it someone else's fault?...or is that simply a simple route to victimization...
i watched those guys...stand back...look around for a way out...but they were by the exit and it was blocked by people...girls were standing around her "oh! i love this song!" and dancing around the body of this young woman...
what is there to cheer to when we celebrate ourselves?...were we heroic in the face of true danger?...were we vigilant in the assistance of another?...or did we simply do the right thing when the time came....
forgive me, i am rambling...my thoughts are unclear and my words are imprecise...
it's been a long month...fighting against words and accusations at work have made me think poorly of humanity in general...i guess i just want people to be nice because it's the right thing to do...
(okay, okay...you can be mean...IF it's warranted...lol)
cg
my sister and i went out to our neighborhood bar last night...a great band was playing and so many people were in costume...i enjoyed looking at the different costumes and thinking about the people there...we like to make up stories about the people we see when we are out...our own little form of entertainment, i suppose...
i had encountered a young woman that was clearly past inebriation and teetering on the edge of passing out while mid-step...her eyes were barely opened as she stumbled to the bathroom...she left the door to the stall open while she struggled with her costume to relieve herself...i asked her if she was okay...she mumbled, eyes closed, and nearly fell...
she was alone as far as i could see and i mentioned it to my sister...we watched her come out of the bathroom to see if she was with someone...we've done this and told their party that the person was clearly unable to function in the bathroom...she fell against a table where three young men were sitting...my sister recognized them, one in particular had hit on her several times, each time forgetting he had done it previously..."he's a good guy", the waittress would tell us, but we never put much store into what people say...
within minutes, they were kissing, and though he was clearly drunk, one of his friends was not...they continued to ply the girl with more alcohol...this girl who could not keep her eyes open and could not stand on her own two feet...
at some point, she was seated on her barstool and she fell backward and landed on her head...she was immobile...my sister rushed to her side while the men stared and stepped back...they were probably in shock and disbelief...i called out to our bartender and she flew around the counter to the girl and my sister...with a small crowd gathering around the girl, i stayed with our purses and watched the people...
someone called to another bartender to call 911...the guy who had been kissing her had his hands in his face, his friend rubbing his back...i read his lips..."it's not your fault...it's not your fault" as he shook his head...
although the EMTs arrived in less than five minutes, it seemed forever...several of the women around her continued dancing while they watched my sister and another person try to squeeze the girl's hand and keep her conscious...my sister's hands were covered in blood...thick and dark red...
she went behind the bar counter where they poured 151 and Purell all over her hands...
i was utterly disgusted and disappointed...why the hell did these guys continue to buy drinks for this girl after watching her nearly fall while standing several times...
i thought about it a lot today...and those words "it's not your fault" kept running through my head...fault is never a simple place...it is an encompassing arena of choices made and choices not made...
we come to the blogworld to celebrate ourselves and those we interact with...we celebrate the things we love about ourselves...but the things we dont?...well, that is never our fault...someone or something else is always to blame...we freeze before the roadblocks to our own success and happiness because it isnt the right time or because we "cant"...
here, we open up and learn something about ourselves...and we want to share it with others...
but what if we dont like what we find...is it our fault?...if i am disappointed in my sexual development, is it someone else's fault?...or is that simply a simple route to victimization...
i watched those guys...stand back...look around for a way out...but they were by the exit and it was blocked by people...girls were standing around her "oh! i love this song!" and dancing around the body of this young woman...
what is there to cheer to when we celebrate ourselves?...were we heroic in the face of true danger?...were we vigilant in the assistance of another?...or did we simply do the right thing when the time came....
forgive me, i am rambling...my thoughts are unclear and my words are imprecise...
it's been a long month...fighting against words and accusations at work have made me think poorly of humanity in general...i guess i just want people to be nice because it's the right thing to do...
(okay, okay...you can be mean...IF it's warranted...lol)
cg
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