ftm

recently i have been watching some youtube vids about transgender individuals, specifically ftm...i have also seen the mtf, but they arent as interesting to me...i am truly amazed at the determination they have to make these changes in their lives and bodies to follow the path that is true for them...there is a single thread that ties all their stories together, other than the obvious changes...a persistent, positive outlook within a strong network of support...

i myself have never felt anything other than female so i could not begin to imagine what it must be like to be trapped inside a body that you know in your heart cannot be yours...

i cannot recall if i have mentioned it here before...i may have made comments about it on a blog or two...i knew a girl that used to tell me she was a boy...she said "god made me wrong...i was supposed to be a boy"...she wanted to be called "max"...she wanted to dress in boy clothes all the time...

she was three years old...

it was just her and her mother at home...there were times when this little girl would come over and i would watch her while her mother was running errands...sometimes she wanted to have her hair fixed "like a girl"...but then she would look at her reflection in the mirror and this strange look would cross over her features...she would say "i'm ugly because i'm a boy, not a girl"...i never told her otherwise...i would just ask her why she would say that and she would tell me in the saddest voice "because, i can feel like inside i am supposed to be a boy on the outside...i was made wrong"...

over the next several years, she never once wavered on this...by age six, she had requested that i call her "max" whenever it was just us but not around her mother "because she doesnt believe me that i am a boy inside, so just call me [birth name] so she doesnt get mad"...

i think she opened up to me because i didnt contradict what she was saying...she was extremely intelligent, so i knew early on that this was not a case of her not understanding what "boys" and "girls" were....she knew and understood...she also knew that others would not understand, so she began keeping those thoughts to herself...

she did not have an easy life...her mother struggled with depression and would often say "i hope she ends up gay that way she wont get knocked up"...she said this when her child was four...i tried to talk to her mother...another common friend told me "she is just confused because her mother does not display anything remotely feminine"...i wasnt so sure...

i was told by this common friend, after a long and lengthy discussion..."if [little girl] is truly a child with gender identity issues, it will be a long road ahead...all we can do is be there and ready if/when we are needed"...this came from one of the most conservative persons i know...but she was not stupid, and realized that this was not a case of a confused child...

i have not seen this child in a long, long time...two, three? years...often i wonder about her...is she still hiding her feelings?...will she ever be comfortable taking that first step to a new life?...i worry as well...

what gets lost in these ftm stories i read/see are the very young children that know from a young age that something is not right...

i remember one of the last things i told this little child...she had been crying because her mother had told her that she wasnt "max" and she wasnt a boy and she needed to stop saying she was or people would think she was crazy...she said "i have to pretend i am a girl even though i know i am not"...my heart hurt so much for this six-year-old that had to struggle with such a monumental hurdle...i held her closely and said this:

"one day, when you grow up you will have so many more choices in your life...you can choose where you want to live, where you want to work, what friends you want to have, when you want to go to bed...and, when you grow up, if you still feel this way...you can make that choice to live that way...whatever you decide...even if i am not there...my heart will always be with you and i will always love you no matter what...girl...or boy"...

they ended up moving away and we lost contact...i still think about her often...i wonder if she will remember those words i said to her...i wonder if she knows that i meant every one of them...

cg