Sunday, August 15, 2010

sexual freedom or sexual danger?

a while back i engaged in a discussion with a friend regarding the film "looking for mr. goodbar" (if you haven't seen it, this stars a fabulous diane keaton...imo, probably one of her best films ever)...my friend advocated the film as an example of what happens when women engage in promiscuous behavior...while, i agree that the film, which is based on some actual events, does flash major warning signs to women who are questioning their sexual roles, i thought about what she said...that this film should be watched by women so that they may not stray to the "dark side" of sexual things...

this led to a discussion regarding the sexuality of women in general with one simple question: are women who choose to explore different parts of their sexuality in essence courting danger?

women are consistently labeled the "weaker sex"...no matter the strides over time that women will make, they will always be "softer", "sweeter", and, thus, bring out the more protective nature from others...when a woman makes a break from what is considered traditional or conventional, suddenly those protective urges dissipate..."she shouldnt have done that" say other women when a provocatively dressed female is taken advantage of...

and men can be the worst...they speak of a desire to see women embrace their sexuality...to be open and free...and how they love it!...until that woman falls from grace...when her private sexual freedoms are discovered...those men who cheered and encouraged the most...are the ones who suddenly become so quiet...

at work, my boss speaks of those who choose to live an unconventional lifestyle...i spoke of a waitress at one of my favorite restaurants who happened to be transitioning...she was sweet and kind and witty...my boss wrinkled her nose and said "oh, cg, i just cant understand why someone would do that to themselves! would you call it a him or a her or just an it?"...i quietly said "well, based on her long hair, simple makeup, and skirt, i would call her a "she" since a person most certainly could not be called an "it"...

the reality is that as much as we want people to embrace their individuality, we expect them to do so discretely...to not flaunt it in the faces of those who make the choice to not knock on the unknown doors of sexual curiosity...because if you knock on something, chances are it may fall on you...and whose fault would that be?...tsk tsk tsk....

even now, at times, i struggle myself with accepting parts of my own sexuality...with each passing day, though, i learn to question less and find the joy in the things i am curious about...good, bad, or indifferent it is who i am and how i learn about myself and others...is it sexual freedom or sexual danger that i court?...

hopefully the freedom, lol, but as someone once said "as soon as there is life, there is danger"...

cg

5 curious people say...:

bdenied said...

First loved your comment over at Scot and Em's blog. This is a fantastic post. While the movie you mention is based on an actual event, all too often Hollywood takes a sexual woman and either makes her a deranged psycho as in Fatal Attraction or they place her in some perilous position where she is murdered, assualted or otherwise harmed and the message is 'GIRLS KEEP YOU LEGS TOGETHER." Certainly girls face danger from bigger stronger men. Most rapes are date rapes where the victim willingly went out with the attacker but did not willingly get raped. Unless you are a mind reader, you can not avoid all danger all the time. But still if you want to be sexual why should fear of everything stop your sexuality.

Emma Kelly said...

Hi cg,

This is difficult territory. Obviously Em and I believe in everyone's right to explore their desires. Our desires do put us at risk when they result in lowering our vigilance to threats and dangers. It only takes one mistake.

Em was just mentioning to me how she went off with Randall to his place in his car without thinking first about the potential danger. As it turned out, he is apparently a good guy. In this case, her gut feelings were accurate. But it only takes a single lapse of judgment to go an entirely different way.

But the whole fabric of society is founded on a basic trust of and common purpose with other people. To a great degree, I think our security is somewhat illusory.

I'm a guy and have never felt that in the course of my day to day life that I have anything to fear. But if I examine that more closely, I am as vulnerable as most females. I'm a very average size, 5'8"/165 lbs. I'm in my sixties. I have no military or martial arts experience and I have very beta mindset. So what is my sense of security based on? That's a good question.

I was once drugged by a woman who chatted me up in a bar in Tokyo. She didn't do anything to me nor did she take anything from me. One minute she was urging me to slug down a beer as fast as I could. The next thing I remember is finding myself laid out on the curb a couple of blocks away. There was no way that that beer did that to me. My guess has always been that she was testing the drug just to see what it would do to a man. Creepy.

I do think that women are targeted by predators much more often than men. So you certainly have every reason to be cautious. But at some point, we all usually decide that this or that new person is okay. And then we open the gate and let them in.

Very interesting and important post.

Best,

scott
Mrs. Kelly's Playhouse

curiousgirl said...

@bdenied -

i cant recall which comment, i will have to go back and look at their blog!

i also agree that so many movies send such a message that women who make the choice to become more sexual (at least, more sexual than conventionally acceptable) heartache, pain, drama, danger, disease, and loss (of innocence, family, friends, etc) will be the end result...

the media/society facilitates the idea that a woman is only truly happy and successful in life when she is "settle down"...

thanks for the feedback!

@scott - i agree that caution is a very important component when exploring all things sexual...our security is based on the belief that "nothing like that will happen to me"...

that is insane what happened with your beer...i have this thing where if a guy wants to buy me a drink, i will either walk up with him to the bar or order the drink and let him pay when it arrives...

there really is no such thing as "safe" in this world...but you cant live in fear either...

trust is a fluid concept, or rather it should be...there are no simple lines drawn with trust...they fluctuate like the tides and sometimes you have to move closer to the shore, while other times you feel more comfortable moving further into the water...

cg

Emma Kelly said...

Hi CG,

I've been meaning to look at this post because Scott pointed it out to me. I just now got around to reading it. Very interesting.

I was just reflecting on how Scott and I originally hooked up. He asked me for a ride home from a poetry reading workshop. I had talked to him a few times (I think) before and I guess I trusted him.

But then I just read a story about a gal who was brutally raped in that same basic scenario (asked to give a ride, not the poetry part!). One trusting moment is all it takes but, like Scott pointed out, that is kind of true for all of us. It's just that women are more often sexual victims and that the media showcases this more.

I've been thinking a lot about sexuality in media recently, particularly porn and what message that gives to young men about sex. It's not that I am anti-porn. Far from it. But there seems to be this sense that whatever you want to do sexually a girl will naturally want to do to.

Obviously any girl really into sex will want to be fucked simultaneously by three guys. After all there are girls all over the internet doing it.

But then in the "regular" media, like BD said, the sexually free gal is either crazy or a victim. It's a very mixed message.

I am not sure (as usual) that I have a point here. Just a very interesting topic that I've been thinking about lately.
Emma

curiousgirl said...

@emma -

i shift so much between being too trusting to being overly cautious...

i agree that there is this blatant message out there that all women want to be dominated sexually so men assume that is what women want...and women assume that this is what men want from them...

such a vicious cycle...

cg