my father and georgia

today was my stupid presentation...i really dont mind speaking in front of a group of people, but when the teacher is counting "ums" and "uhs"...well, let's just say i wish that the podium was out in the hallway...hey, i can be very loud..or so i've been told...;)

part of the speech i had to give is about my father...we have never had what you call a typical relationship...i was never afraid to back down, never looked away from his stare, and we could talk and talk til the cows came home..except we dont have cows, never did...

the hard part is that my father passed away in november...after struggling for years with alcoholism, it is ironic that alcohol had nothing to do with his death...

my father was a marine and he fought in the vietnam war...he has never been afraid to talk about it...he speaks of his time in the military with pride...i grew up actually thinking that USMC stood for "uncle sam's misguided children"...i remember staying up late at night with my father because that is when would have the best talks...i was not a daddy's girl...that is my youngest sister...but i will always be my father's daughter in so many ways...

he was stubborn, troubled, funny, loved to listen to loud music all the time (hmm...that must be where i get it from)...he loved to play the guitar...three years in a row i made him thanksgiving dinner...

this past thanksgiving i had no one to prepare it for...i felt like i had no purpose...i lived about four hours away from my father so i didnt see him as often as i could...he would say "you're daddy's a rock star" with the impudent grin of his...it was from him that i learned to love tom petty, lynyrd skynyrd, ac/dc, kiss, janis joplin, heart...i remember sitting with him as a little girl and listening to his albums...our favorite was jim croce...i played it at the wake...

i hurt so much knowing my father will never be able to walk me down the aisle...he will never see me graduate from college, although he was so proud that i decided to go back...this hurt fills my soul...but i cherish this pain because it means that i still feel for the man who drove me crazy but loved us so much...

this may he would have turned 61...but he was the coolest 60-year-old ever...i love that my father was the biggest nonconformist...i love that he said "fuck off" to people who questioned him...i love that he said these words to us: "when a man has sons, he makes plans; but when a man has daughters, he has dreams...and you three girls were my dreams"

in other news...

i will talk to georgia tonight...this guy is so amazing...he is smart smart smart...i am attracted to sexy mind...he is really attracted to me, but i cant...not sure why...we've known each other a while and we have great chemistry...i have always had a hard time letting go...relationships suck...