silence

S has been a friend of mine for a very long time...he loves women...a LOT...and he is good at loving them...from the beginning i drew the line...casual friendship, no sex...it has been three years...soon he will make his third trek into war..twice to iraq, now to afghanistan...for the first time he is terrified that he will not make it back...

i got a phone call from him the other day (he is in training atm)...between the ranting and raving about the stresses of going out again he admits something...he has very strong feelings for me and wants to have some sort of commitment before he leaves...when he returns...he wants something serious...serious enough to ask if i would have his children...

whoa whoa...wtf??...in the entire time i have known this guy he has never made any advances in this direction...the occasional flirting, but never this..."i have never felt so comfortable in another person's company...you accept me totally even with all my flaws"...

silence...i have nothing to say...what can i say...more silence...i hear the soft hiss of the match lighting and the deep intake of breath as he lights his cigarette...more silence...

this is the same guy who picked up a waittress from a strip club about a month or two ago...when i brought that up he said..."girls like that are the girls you fuck...that is not the woman i want to raise children with"...

i wasnt excited or thrilled or flattered...just...silent...quiet...what do i say to this brave young man who is heading off to fight in a war he never started, doesnt believe in, but believes in his country...how do i tell him that the hopes he has for the two of us are floating higher than the clouds and will never settle on the ground...how can i tell him when i can hear the panic in his voice as he bares his soul to me...how can i be his friend when he wants so much more...

the shiver in his voice tells me that he his full of nerves...this playboy wants something that i cannot give...i dare not even tell him that i have met someone...

instead, i tell him to be strong...that the last thing he needs is to worry about me...because this had never before come up in our conversations i am blindsided...and he knows it...he is gracious and kind...he knows...the swagger comes back in his voice, a little more distant...i can only wish him well..

he really doesnt think he is coming back this time...

cg