silence

S has been a friend of mine for a very long time...he loves women...a LOT...and he is good at loving them...from the beginning i drew the line...casual friendship, no sex...it has been three years...soon he will make his third trek into war..twice to iraq, now to afghanistan...for the first time he is terrified that he will not make it back...

i got a phone call from him the other day (he is in training atm)...between the ranting and raving about the stresses of going out again he admits something...he has very strong feelings for me and wants to have some sort of commitment before he leaves...when he returns...he wants something serious...serious enough to ask if i would have his children...

whoa whoa...wtf??...in the entire time i have known this guy he has never made any advances in this direction...the occasional flirting, but never this..."i have never felt so comfortable in another person's company...you accept me totally even with all my flaws"...

silence...i have nothing to say...what can i say...more silence...i hear the soft hiss of the match lighting and the deep intake of breath as he lights his cigarette...more silence...

this is the same guy who picked up a waittress from a strip club about a month or two ago...when i brought that up he said..."girls like that are the girls you fuck...that is not the woman i want to raise children with"...

i wasnt excited or thrilled or flattered...just...silent...quiet...what do i say to this brave young man who is heading off to fight in a war he never started, doesnt believe in, but believes in his country...how do i tell him that the hopes he has for the two of us are floating higher than the clouds and will never settle on the ground...how can i tell him when i can hear the panic in his voice as he bares his soul to me...how can i be his friend when he wants so much more...

the shiver in his voice tells me that he his full of nerves...this playboy wants something that i cannot give...i dare not even tell him that i have met someone...

instead, i tell him to be strong...that the last thing he needs is to worry about me...because this had never before come up in our conversations i am blindsided...and he knows it...he is gracious and kind...he knows...the swagger comes back in his voice, a little more distant...i can only wish him well..

he really doesnt think he is coming back this time...

cg

pretty, pretty

pretty, pretty little things
i found once
in a box
a picture of you
and me
holding hands
the flowers smelled
that day
like sunshine and
rainbows

pretty, pretty little things
i found once
in a drawer
the locket from you
it was
gold and silver
the chain broke
one day
like promises and
hearts

pretty, pretty little things
i found once
in a chest
the dress i wore
for you
that day we kissed
the hem torn
yellowed
faded like grass
dry

pretty pretty little things
i found once
in my heart
the heart i gave
to you
close you kept it
until the day
you set
it in the water
empty water

cg

i am moved

the gentle swell of the water rises and falls...the salty air licks my face as my hair riots about...the pushing and pulling of the wind...

i am moved...

the sound of your voice in whispers and moans...the rough and smooth textures of your skin as you glide your body next to mine...the heady scent of you fills my senses...

i am moved...

the charged warmth of your body as it barely touches mine...the wet tongue like liquid velvet on my lips...the tremors that shake me to my core...

i am moved...

cg

penetrative

i wonder how someone can remove every layer of facade as easily as if the layers were made of thin clouds of gossamer...my fingers fumble as i peel the petals back, thorns sticking me...blood drips...but someone who hardly knows...can glide past the sharp and tangled vines...eyes on the secret golden chamber...nothing deters...smooth, comforting...a focus of the spectrum of colors...a shimmer of light and sparkle to push past the barrier that few have dared to cross...

the weight of the world effortlessly slips away revealing something raw, tender, fragile...thinnest of skins remains...translucent...

warm and enveloping a new hope fills the void...beyond the darkness...a magical world only you can see...

cg

i'm fucking ben affleck

jimmy kimmel had his revenge on girlfriend sarah silverman's video "i'm fucking matt damon"...his answer completely topped hers...a long list of celebs guest starred in his video: robin williams, brad pitt, huey lewis, cameron diaz and more contributed to this hilarious video...okay, so not everyone enjoys this stuff...guess what?...go fuck yourself...because "i'm fucking matt damon" ...and ben affleck...

cg

this isnt burger king

that's what i told this guy, T, who's been chasing after me for quite some time now...his last relationship involved a dom/sub component where she was the sub...um, that is NOT me...and i have made that crystal clear...we were talking this morning over coffee (which i dont drink, tea, please!)...and he wants more, a lot more...but he is way too damn pushy...granted, a woman likes to hear a man say "i want you"...but, damn, when we are talking and the second thing out of your mouth is "i want you, invite me over"...whoa, major turn-off...where's the conversation?...we've talked before, he says...so...uh...does that mean i'm not worthy of more conversation?...woo, me dammit...dont just sit there and tell me to my face that you want to fuck me because you feel a connection...guess what, i am in charge of where the plug goes, and so far it is sitting limp in my hands!...

his problem, i tell him, is that he is in a position of power at his work...the man has three houses...one for his kids, one for his ex, and one for himself...he and his ex alternate staying in the house with the kids so that they dont have to be dragged around every which way...sounds amazing, right?...but then he says the ex doesnt work because he wants her to be there for the kids...too much control for me...

this isnt burger king, this isnt your way right away...i am not some main course that you can complain to management about because it didnt come out on time...then he tells me "but i have been so patient with you"...so then i ask him "define your concept of patience"...

well, how long have i been chasing you?...

oh boy...he doesnt get it...so i tell him "that has nothing to do with patience...that is persistence"...the look on his face...he realized i was right...guys, a woman doesnt want to be pushed so far that she feels she has two options...jump off the cliff and hope that in death she can escape from your nobby little clutches...or pull back her fist and WHAM!...beware...more women fight back with a vengeance than men are willing to admit...

after all this...he tells me..."you're in a mood to fight, i came here in a mood for you"...wtf???...i am not fighting, i am merely pointing out the inconsistencies involved in his ludicrous assumptions of how to pursue a woman...i told him he was making gross assumptions...he said no, you are playing games...you know i want you, i have been patient yet you still refuse me...um...whatever...i told him that he needed to hear the word no more often because i was not his "beck and call-girl"...

grrr...men are so heinous at times i just want to throttle them...damn, time to go take a test...freakin terrific...

cg

30 day sex challenge

hmm..i seem to be on a theme...with articles on sex...oh well

seems this pastor is challenging married couples to have sex for 30 days straight...the purpose?...to learn how to meet the emotional, spiritual, and physical needs of your spouse...

funny...but from what i have gathered from a few friends of mine, that seems to be exactly what is missing from their marriages...the marriage becomes a teeming mess of bills, work, kids, and overall "stuff"...a marriage becomes more of a financial challenge...

there is a song by harry connick jr *sighs*..."drifting"...it's like a relationship over time that has just been allowed to run on auto-pilot...or when you are out in the water and you just let the waves pull you out...drifting...suddenly you are so far from the shore and you wonder...how did i get out here?...i was just over there...the sandy edges seem so thin and distant...the people so small and unimportant...all you can feel is yourself drifting in this vast ocean...nothing around but miles and miles of water...

(here's the article fyi)
http://www.christianpost.com/article/20080222/31294_Pastor_Poses_Sex_Challenge_to_Churchgoers.htm