letting go

because g and i dont live near one another, it isnt too often that we get to see each other...he is more than amenable to scheduling in more visit days, he is just letting me do what is comfortable for me...we do talk on the phone fairly regularly and the last two nights have been...wow...um...just wow...

i love how he has this slightly "dorky" quality to his voice...it is so endearing to me...it just makes me grin every time when i think about him because of that voice that go from dork to powerful in no time...

he has a very strong personality...strong yet not overbearing...a heady combination of relaxed control and quiet charm that has me reeling at every turn...every intimate experience is always about me...never questioning, never threatening, never dominant...gentle pressure that exposes my vulnerability and somehow feels safe and warm and cradled...i never knew i needed or wanted that...

he is very quiet during those times...he knows just when to exert that last final push on my barriers so that i shatter into a thousand pieces...

we talked about this last night and he was very forthcoming with how he wants those experiences to be the best that he can make them for me because in doing so he himself is fully pleasured...he also mentioned that the moment he senses a hesitation in me that is more than just holding back he shifts...he does not want me to think about how to say no to something i may or will never be ready for, so he just glides over it with a skill i have never known...

i am blown away...how unexpected...how delightful...how utterly frightening...

letting go has always been my greatest downfall in all areas of my life...i hold on with every breath within me...my heels dig in the more i am challenged...perhaps that is why my heels dont dig in...he doesnt challenge me in that area...although everywhere else he is quite eager to challenge my views which makes more for some fun mental foreplay!...

there are just a few issues that i am not quite ready to deal with yet...emotional baggage costs a lot to check in...some arent ready to pay that price...even the most patient have their limitations...we'll see...

in the meantime...i have to find that one thing to keep my eye on so that i dont lose myself and fall into the spin...

cg