Monday, May 11, 2009

hello?...this is your wake up call...

i have mentioned on here about my stress level being intense lately...okay, lately = the last year, year and a half...

i was talking to a friend of mine and explaining that i get into these ruts that i call "comfort zones"...his response was:


"What comfort zone? Seriously, are you kidding? What part of your life is comfortable? You only think you have a comfort zone, because it's the lie you have been telling yourself for way too long. Comfort comes from being OK to be you and not feeling like you have to hide from anything. Comfort does NOT come from hiding from those you don't want to deal with and stressing about life on the level you have been stressing. A brick wall is waiting in front of you. It's coming a hell of a lot faster than you realize. I just hope after the impact, you have what it takes to get back up."

at first i thought to myself...whoa, buddy...what do mean i am not okay with being me?...hiding from those i dont want to deal with??...

but...he's right...what i cant figure out is why i dont feel comfortable being who i am...actually, it isnt that exactly...i am not sure what it is...and what lie do i tell myself each and every day?...that i am happy and content with my life...and to some extent, that is true...

those things that used to make me happy i have put away in this mental box...i dont feel good about them anymore...because i doubt myself so much more than i used to...

when you are young, you dont have so much doubt in yourself...you dont question it as much...you just are...

i have created this image of myself to the others in my immediate life and i have hemmed myself in too nicely...when i try to push past it, i am greeted with stern looks and shaking of heads...

i used to love singing so much that it was an extention of myself...i was not complete without it...hours each day i practiced...and i loved every minute of it...

i tell people that i have found other ways to fulfill my life...that i have moved on from that...gotten older and dont have time for it...

but i am never happier than when i am driving with the wind in my hair and singing for no one but my own secret joy...a joy that i cant share with anyone else...because in many ways it is so private to me...

and sometimes...i cry...because i miss those parts of myself that i let go...abandoned without a second glance...

and if i look back...i'm afraid i will see where i fell...and never got back up...

cg

3 curious people say...:

mnwhr said...

Hopefully you can avoid looking back and try to move forward with singing some part of your life.

Icarus said...

I think your friend has insight into you..
you say "but i am never happier than when i am driving with the wind in my hair and singing for no one but my own secret joy...a joy that i cant share with anyone else"

why can't you share? you don't have to it is your choice. you can sing for yourself and if others enjoy your voice (as I am sure they would) then you have blessed others with your talent.

you have your reasons, but any great musical talent, is at their best when they play/sing for themselves, if the public likes it good, if they don't it doesn't matter... they have satisfied themselves first.

Aneris said...

Cg! This is not like you! Bust out of the L7 square.