Saturday, October 11, 2008

phallic desires

no, i am not talking about myself...rather a male friend of mine who has been struggling with his sexual orientation for a very long time...and i truly feel for him...he was once engaged to someone he thought he love with all his heart...but even then...tiny seeds of doubt were being sown...

some days he was haunted by thoughts of cock lodged in his mouth as the warm taste of cum poured past his lips...he kept his thoughts private for so long...when the relationship ended (she cheated on him), he was overwhelmed with thoughts of love lost and his sexual urges that it sent him into a downward spiral of depression...

as the years went by, he settled unconsciously into a cycle of "i want a cock in my mouth" to "fuck that, i am not into guys at all...it was just a phase"...two years ago when we first met, i was the first one he opened up to about his desires....they plagued him constantly...no matter his urge, be it men or woman, i was supportive and listened to him spill the convoluted workings of his mind...

even when he found a woman that he felt a good connection with, there were still times when he would masturbate to the fantasy of giving head to a "sweet boi"...at one point, he even bought a dildo to practice his oral desires...then, in a moment of panic, he threw it away...

when he speaks of his lust for another man, he sounds very heavy with sexual desire...almost overwhelmed with the wave of passion that builds...then, by the next day, he almost ashamed of his thoughts and says "i am over it...i want a wife and a family"...even when i suggest that he find an open-minded woman...that his sexuality does not necessarily have to mean that he cannot be a father...the two are unrelated, he shakes his head and the sound of a heavy metal door slams shut on the things that he truly wants...

i know that when he is in a gay-men-are-fags-i-want-to-fuck-a-woman mode, he does NOT want to talk about his sexuality...

some days he fears that people can sense his bi-curiosity...sometimes i just want to tell him to get over himself...but i dont...i just listen...because i know he has only a handful of people he talks to about it all...

i feel for him, but my patience grows thin...the constant jerking back and forth about it wears on me...i never know what i am supposed to support...his bisexual desires or his heterosexual dreams...sexuality is sexuality irregardless...it doesnt need subcategories...

cg

9 curious people say...:

Apollo Unchained said...

Thanks for commenting on my blog. Wow, now it's my turn to say, here's a post with a lot going on! I've seen my older son suffer through the question of gayness, and then I've had a bisexual girlfriend. So I guess I've finally learned that it's just not always simple.

Southern Sage said...

got to be a tough spot for the guy too.
Listen and support like a guy does. Just nod and grunt.

curiousgirl said...

@apollo - that had to be very challenging for your son...sometimes it seems we are in the midst of a new sexual revolution...one more volatile than the previous one...what was once considered taboo is now considered common, placing certain societal pressures on both men and women...

@sage - wow, what simple advice..."nod and grunt"...and more often than not, simple is the way to go...thanks...

cg

petitemort said...

At this point in my life, I have trouble understanding why he doesn't just give in to his desires and try a man. But then I realize that he is searching for love, not just sex. Which complicates his quest, even though it ennobles it as well.

mnwhr said...

I suppose he just needs you to listen without leaning either way. Hopefully he'll figure it out.

curiousgirl said...

@petitemort - yes, i agree...but we are in the south...he is from a very strongly conservative "deep south" family...the kind of family who says things like "the old guard"...although he himself is less conservative and more open-minded, he feels bound by those old ties..

@mnwhr - i know...and i do it when i can...he keeps thinking that getting a gf will make things better...but even when he has one, he is still stressed about the urges...ah, well...

cg

Tom Allen said...

This happened with a friend of mine - except that when he realized this he was already married. His wife was one of those "Sex? Didn't we have some just last month?" types, and wasn't about to discuss anything else.

Thing is, he. himself had some issues over this, and was afraid that he was gay. When I pointed out that perhaps he was Bi, he got mad and told me that there was no such thing - you're one or the other.

::sigh::

They are divorced and he's pretty much stopped communicating with his family and old friends.

This is a really difficult situation, especially for men in this society. Songs like "I kissed a girl and I liked it" are cutesy and pop, but it won't work for men.

You might be getting tired of the ping-pong, but stick with him - he probably doesn't have many people to whom he can talk to about this. Believe me, most women aren't particularly fond of the Bi-guy idea, either.

curiousgirl said...

@tom - that is just terrible...no, i wont stop being there for my friend...i know he has only a few people to share it with...both my sister and i try to listen to him but she gets really annoyed with his constant back and forth and teases him when he is struggling...

cg

Aneris said...

It must be hard to be bi-sexual in sexual desires alone.

Women are not pleased about it, so he can't just say he likes dick. Men who are serious and gay are not interested in that " touch my body, then sneak out the back door" scenario.

He seems to like the social aspects of women in our society but he wants a man for sex.

He will work through it. People often do, when it is such a huge pressing issue.

I understand your frustration; you are not a therapist and you did not get your degree in life counseling.

He needs to make a move towards finding out of his fantasies can come true. A man who has something to hide (wife, woman, family) and only wants sex is right up his alley.

I hope your friendship can survive.Once it becomes uneven, focused on a huge problem for so long, it becomes a relief to talk less, hang out less.